one_tree_hill_x

i feel real safe with you

NSTRUCTIONS: Write 11 statements, intended to different people - things you've always wanted to tell them. never tell which one is to whom.

1. So me and you, we've had our fair share of arguments. But beneath all the times i complain about you and say i can't stand you, I have a lot of fun with you and i never want to not be your friend. I seriously care about you more than you know, and i hope you know that, and you do. Also, you are one of the only people who i feel extremely comfortable with, and i really really like that because i can totally be myself around you. Its nice.

2. Only lately have i been close to you, and I'm really happy for the friendship we have. you really know how to make me laugh a lot, and when we're together i have so much fun with you. i'd really wish you would realize how amazing you really are and i hope you know how much i appreciate you in my life.

3. Me and you, well, we don't hang out a lot. and i know that sometimes bothers you. but i want to tell you that i like it when you're around. you're really fun and full of energy but i wish we were closer than we are. i think we could have an incredible friendship if i wasn't stupid and we hung out more. but its okay, i still think you're a really cool person.

4. So i really think you have a great personality and i love it when we hang out, even if we don't do a lot. i just wish that you too would see how amazing you are as a person. you really are going to accomplish great things in your life, and i know it. don't put yourself down.

5. You are just like, a firecracker of life. you are so loving and its hard to imagine us not being friends. i really like you a lot. i love you, and even though our friendship took a backseat for awhile, i love it that we're back to being amazing fabulous friends again.

6. Sometimes you just piss me off so bad, i can't even explain. i didn't mean for this to be mean, but whatever. i can't help it. you sometimes are so fake, it sickens me. i don't like how you act and how you only want me around sometimes, when it fits around YOUR schedule. you still are my friend, and i can tell you a lot of things in my life and i know you'll listen. and i have fun with you sometimes. its just i dont like what its become and how you're bitter. because i dont think i deserve it.

7. i think you need to be a little more optimistic in your life. sometimes i don't think you really care anymore. i dont know, i hope you do because i sort of miss you sometimes. you're a really entertaining person and i like when you're around =]

8. so i think you're a really confusing person a lot of the time. you are so complicated sometimes i don't even know. i really love you as a friend, and i think you deserve a lot more than you actually get. but it comes with time, so don't worry about it. to tell you the truth, i'm sort of scared of losing you because i think it would be so easy. but i'm probably wrong. i really wish we were closer and talked more, but for right now its okay. you're still an amazing person and i enjoy you a LOT.

9. you are such a funny person. i really like talking on the phone with you even if we don't do it often. i like your random hystericall laughing fits and whatnot. i really didn't think of you as much before, but i'm sorry because i didn't know what i was missing out on, cause you're hilarious. i just wish you'd stop on your stupid video games sometimes. jeez.

10. i am in love with you. you help me through like anything that happens and make me want to be a better person in the process. you're my best friend and i cannot imagine a life without you. thank you for always being there when i need you. you never go away. thank you for becoming closer to me when i didn't think we could. thanks soo much. i love you more than anything.

11. i wish we were closer even though we have gotten closer in this past year. i know a lot about you, and even though we don't see each other a lot, we still have that trust there. it never goes away. i love your personality and you yourself. never change for anyone.



i love you all.<3 i don't know if i'll tell anyone who is who, but whatever. you can guess if you read this. it may be obvious. it may not. whoknows.

guess who[2].

so i`m doing this again because i just feel like my opinion of some people has changed. and because i have no life and wanted to do it again.

INSTRUCTIONS: Write 11 statements, intended to different people - things you've always wanted to tell them. never tell which one is to whom.

1. hey. i really like you a lot. i think we`re pretty close and your always there for me when i`m upset or have something on my mind. you always encourage me to be the best person i can be. i appreciate you so much in my life. i don`t know what i would do without you, because i rely on you. you`re the sweetest person in the world.

2. we used to be extemely close, and tell each other a lot of things. and we sort of aren`t so much now. its just that school is butt. and scheduling is butt. but i love talking to you, and writing to you everyday. because i like you a lot and you are extremely unique and such. i enjoy our friendship, even though it isn`t there sometimes.

3. i`m sort of upset at you at the moment. we had a pretty great thing going. i had a deep sense of trust with you, and a cool friendship. and now it`s gone. like, completely. only when you talk to me about how cool or popular you are. honestly, i could care less how popular you are. becuase you know what? it doesn`t matter to me. all i want is the old you back. and maybe it was fake. but i don`t care. i want it back. you were cooler before this. and i know you`re falling apart. but i can`t help you. as much as i want to, i can`t. you have to help yourself.

4. HEY! i love you so much. you are an incredible person and you make me crack up a lot a lot. the little stupid things you say make me fall out of my chair. seriously. and i think you know who you are if you`re reading this now. mhm. it`s you. you really are one of my best friends, even if we don`t hang out as much. but we still do. i enjoy you. soo much. even if we don`t do much. or just talk about stuff. or have weird sleepovers. i love you.

5. hi friend. we have a weird friendship. you know who you are. i fight with you everyday. probably about 5 times each day. but sometimes those random days come, and we don`t fight. and that`s what i love about our friendship. honestly, i like fighting. it`s fun fighting with you. and i know i have like ADD around you, but i really can`t help it. you`re one of my best friends. and i treasure you so much. even if you are a meany-poo sometimes. i care about you so much and i hope you know that. i want to help you. i wish you would let me though. instead of trying to get through it yourself. i`m here for you. i`ve been here. i think you`re opening up though. anyway.. i ramble on with you. but it`s okay. ily<3

6. you are a pretty cool person. i liked you better before, but i guess it`s okay. you stand up for me a lot and i like that. i think we`re just too close.. and a little too comfortable with each other. that it sort of hurts when you joke kid with me sometimes. and snap at me. it`s sort of annoying. i don`t like when you yell at me because you had a bad day. i wish we were like we used to be.

7. my opinion changes of you a lot. sometimes i think i like enjoy you so much.. which i do a lot of the time. but other times you sort of annoy me a lot. i know its how you are but i wish you would stop when i tell you to. it bothers me sometimes. but nonetheless, you`re a really unique person and you`re hilarious.

8. hey! i really like you a lot. you`re like.. so loving and stuff. and i like hanging out with you. but i haven`t in a long time. but i see you a few times a week, which is good. i just don`t think you want to hang out with me or anyone else anymore. i don`t know. it`s just probably because your schedule is hectic. i understand. i haven`t forgot about you though.

9. hey babe. i like seeing you in school. and i can`t wait for play to come. because then i`ll see you like everyday. which will be nice. you`re such a cool person. (:

10. i`ve been hanging out with you more lately. and i like that. i sort of don`t understand why i didn`t earlier. you`re a strange person. like.. i do love you. a lot. and stuff. but sometimes you get mad a lot and i`m afraid to talk to you. but you`re one of my best friends and i can talk to you about a lot of things. i want to be closer to you. even though right now we are pretty close.

11. so. you. i can write a lot on you. i think it`s just because you`re a really complicated person. but not in a bad way. in a cool way. our meeting was pretty memorable. i`ll never forget it. i really love talking to you. i honestly believe we are the same people in different bodies. except that you are insane when you`re tired. insane meaning cranky. we are SO alike it scares me sometimes. we`ve both gone through a lot. and you deserve a lot of good stuff. i can relate to you so much. i wish we were closer too. it`s both our faults. but it`s okay. because when i do get to talk to you, i like it a lot. i miss you.

I had a dream that You were light surrounding me, this vortex of shimmering specks, You were the brightness around me, inside of me. I was time traveling; I'm unsure of how I knew such a thing, but I knew I was doing it, I knew you had something to do with it. I was going really fast, horizontally through the atmosphere and every time I said Your name, I was being propelled forward quicker and quicker and I knew I had to stop sometime but Your presence was just so intoxicating that I couldn't bear to cease doing it; it would be like to stop breathing. It was as if the air was my song, my words were melting inside of me, they were His words and His song, and He sang them over me, but He was in the light, He was the light, He was right next to me, His breath a sonnet, and each time I blinked it became harder and harder to breathe; I just wanted to collapse and be eaten up by the shining particles, I wanted them to gnaw at me, I wanted to become the light, become a part of You.

ooooops, that was dumb of me

I deserve a gold star and an A+ for getting him off cigarettes, by the way

I want you so bad, it's driving me mad

like a flower yanked
from its roots
so my heartstrings
hang
dripping from the beat of yours

you are absolutely beautiful

i'm so so so so so upset and devastated josh is leaving

How heartbreaking is this?

me:"doodpies, if i have liveth there in the zonies we would be bff.. no jokes"
him:"dude, how i know the truth in that statement."

Oh my gosh I want to die a little, I hate distance so bad and I can stand it with Stevan but with Joel it's like dude this is so ridiculous. Like what do you do when you know you could be so close with someone, you could go deep into their personality and really know them fully and you want to, and could be best friends with them, and the only thing that is hindering it is 2,452 miles. I can't believe how distraught I am about this complex.

am i in love with like 12 boys?
well i like one in brazil and then another guy i'm like spiritually / normally attracted to who lives far away and then this other one i really respect and he's an awesome person and if i lived where he lived then we would be best friends and i would totally adore that and then this other kid is so profound and when he speaks it's just like you want to listen to him and he's really cute
oh my gosh too overwhelming all of this is
new jersey does not have good men i am positive


edit: not all are crushes, just like... i love them, na'imean?

floating, soaring, hovering-
i am sailing throughout this atmosphere
beyond these flourescent lights
blinding my sight
flying through the clouds that engulf me
i am suddenly swallowing stars
spheres of fuel
illuminating my core
you see me from below, but i am beyond your grasp

i do not see planets, the pieces of rock that are bound to their circular existence; i transcend them

darkness
stirs around me
the night swallows me
the light between my organs is sheltered but dimming

i look down for you,
but beyond my sight you dwell
in faithless light,
in darkness more hopeless than this

i am a dull, fading glow
flickering, going out

the stars come sparingly here now and
even they yearn to find hope

but i look ahead
past the darkness
past these lands of glittering blackness
that won't let me go

and i see,
far in the distance,
unreachable, yet approaching- a blossoming light

i am flailing, swimming-
desperation surrounds my soul
i am somersaulting, pushing through the vacuum of emptiness, panting,
dying, my limbs crumbling and breaking off,
hunger churns in my bones, these dry cracking bones that can only support a dimming light

dark liquid is pulling me down
an undertoe, a rip current of death.
i can't see the bottom, it is depthless- inescapable.

i open my eyes and i see ripples of light- reflections above me

the sea surrounds me; i am the only one left.
the weak have perished

why have i not?
am i still flickering?
has my light not gone completely out?

i am leaving, the tide pulls me under
being absorbed into the earth.
it has overtaken me, eaten me, i am being gnawed at, i am lying-
motionless,
deceased?
dead?
a seed in the soil?

my eyes close and i awake

an orchestra of sounds, drums and ripping guitar, pianos applauding my return
i am alive
i am here

dancing, celebrating,
spinning with my arms outstretched, i am eating colors
i am the spectrum, a prism of life,
a white stone
tabula rasa
my eardrums are exploding
i am illuminating the kingdom
bouncing off the ground
putting air into my pockets
floating higher, being propelled past the brightness to the origin of it,
the light is so bright it is sparkling,
every facet burns my eyes.
they won't shut, the diamonds are sticking to my skin, absorbed by my pores, sinking deep inside of me

i am overwhelmed, deceased than alive
rotting now shining
the light is too much and i am breathing.

feathers getting stuck in my throat,
swallowing wisdom,
choking on joy

i am spinning, falling, rising
beyond realization

the sky is around me, a milky canvas
living and breathing and shifting
between my toes,
through the grasp of my fingers,
like syrup through my palms
entering into my bloodstream

it is pulling me higher and i can't breathe through my mouth,
just through my pores which are open wounds on my skin,
i see my insides-
colors, dimensions, cities inside of me
rivers of yellow sunbursts,

i am exploding, going deeper and being restored to fit my surroundings
my body has taken another form
with words
chewing on my soul
letters connecting and readjusting
symbols taking the form of words

i exhale wind that shakes the universe,
expanding the light which has a form,
reaching to the last places where it doesn't exist,
the jealous illuminant

my insides are burning with a flame i know will never cease

the white, liquid flame
setting ablaze my body
it is reaching to my heart,
yearning, stretching, barely reaching it when suddenly,
it explodes






words and colours, symbols and animals from my body are thrown into orbit, facing life, finding fuel in the atoms, and my brain is melted

i open my eyes and i cannot see anything

i am in the sun
dwelling, possessing
am i the sun?
the son?

a figure is in front of me, a robe of flames that stretches for miles,
i cannot see anything.
all of a sudden,
he opens his eyes and they jut deep into me,
i am transported,
into a clear ocean.
azul life
crashing waves
i cannot be a human here
his eyes are flames of glory burning, possessing, ruining, ravishing, destroying, prophesying to my soul.

breathing art-
paintings,
songs, notes, and shifting changes

he speaks, in a language unknown to me, yet i understand-
the atmosphere sparkling, swirling around me
his gaze is fixed on me-
he whispers,
slowly,
"i've been waiting for you. i've been waiting to show you. we are one."

i am anew.

oh especially the fact that he's going back to work on wednesday D:
and


me: "what will ya do tomorrow"
"on your last day of work?"
stevan: "well i'll stay home"
"and talk to you"

then later


stevan: "we will talk tomorrow? like the whole day?"



agagaggrgrghhh<3
ehh
heh
ha
ha
so. lame. and. i love it.
:)

beautiful little guy

what the heck was i even thinking?
i fricken adore this kid so much.
just my ~***female hormones***~ getting the best of me.

fricken. LOVE.


he's like:
"babycutesteverfacesweetheart"


ehhhhh
cliché cheesiness getting the best of meeeeee:)

when someone started to let go of a friendship, i used to try to pull them back with all i had in me. i would refuse to let them go. now when that happens, i just want to cut it off. i want to bolt and run away from the person so i won't get hurt.

i need to work on this, mental note. although, well, i dunno.



anyway
life is still really good.
REVIVALLLLLL

Can anyone upload me the soundtrack to Vanilla Sky?

what am i thinking right now?
i'm like, i, i don't even know
i feel like i'm starting to dislike him, like i'm forcing myself to find flaws in him, even though he hasn't shown any negative flaws to me yet. after 10 months of talking to him and communicating with him and seeing how he is, i still can find nothing wrong with him. but i will. it's because he isn't here. he's more than 7,000 miles away and this is the problem. what am i supposed to do? WAIT? really? how can i do that? i think i'm finally realizing maybe i'm wasting my time. maybe this isn't meant to be. maybe i'm lying to myself. and that's why i'm finding flaws in him. do you know what i feel is bad about him? that he's too friendly. too friendly. yeah. i feel like that's a flaw. that's totally ridiculous on my part. how could i even SAY that's a bad thing? also, that he doesn't come online enough. what am i thinking? this is a typical girl trying to control a situation out of her control. and at least i'm realizing that i'm being irrational. i'm being completely ridiculous. it could be that i have my period and i'm overreacting, and maybe that's it. i hope that's it.

i'm starting to also realize that, when i get really close to people, i get comfortable. i get a sort of itching for newness. like i'm bored. but i know that's not what's happening. it's because of the dreams where we're disconnected. and i'm getting freaked out. i don't want him to give up on the friendship so i think subconsciously i'm doing it. i'm doing it so i won't get hurt. it's like a defense mechanism to keep me safe. he even told me that if anything ever happened and i stopped talking to him and our friendship dwindled, that he wouldn't let it die. that he would knock some sense into me. that he would make SURE that he didn't stop talking to me. that he would keep it alive, even if it was just on him. because he knows i'm a typical girl. and i'll probably do that. even though i told him i would never. it has to be something in my genes. the ~chromosomes. that girls have to go all womanly crazy on men, or else something's wrong. it's weird. but i guess that's how it is.

anyway, jordan is the absolute best. we're talking on the phone again. for hours. out of nowhere. i love that kid. he's like my best friend. in male form. ish. he's the best. i'm actually doing this to waste time while he's in the shower. i wish he would call me back already.